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Musings Report 2023-16 4-15-23 What Advice Would You Give Your Younger Self?
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What Advice Would You Give Your Younger Self?
The question "What Advice Would You Give Your Younger Self?" is a staple of social media because we've all pondered the chasm between what we've learned at 30, 40, 50, 60 and 70 and what our callow 18-year old selves could actually understand and make use of.
A variation of this question is "what advice would you offer high school/college graduates?"
I occasionally re-read Steve Jobs' famous 2005 Stanford commencement speech for its timeless wisdom.
Jobs was channeling Ralph Waldo Emerson, who advised us in 1841 to "be our best selves," a goal that requires self-knowledge and the strength to set aside our natural insecurities and fears and pursue a path beyond the usual conventions. Emerson's words continue to inspire me: "Do the thing and you shall have the power."
So what would you offer your younger self, or the graduates in a commencement speech?
I confess that at 18, I was pretty sure of myself and so advice from some geezer would have rolled off unless I was filled with admiration for that geezer (and I was in awe of many older people I met in the Quakers and ideals-driven politics). Even if I had been been open to the advice of geezers, what could I have absorbed given my inexperience?
Even Steve Jobs advice, as inspirational as it is, leaves out the dismaying, bone-crushing parts of what happens when you risk a life outside the conventional tracks: for most of us, the result is failure because very few people make a living outside the conventional job tracks, and those few who do tend to work much harder and make far greater sacrifices than those who accepted a conventional job as an employee.
Failure is bitter. It cannot be anything else. When all our hopes are dashed despite working like maniacs for five long years, we get depressed and berate ourselves. Not everyone moves seamlessly from initial failure to being Steve Jobs. Most of us on the unconventional path proceed from failure to failure. This is the value of Winston Churchill's sage definition: "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."
So what advice would I offer a young person just entering adulthood? I would start by describing the core mechanics of being an adult.
We start with a realistic assessment of the options available--not what we think we deserve or what we hope, but what is realistically within reach. Then we make a realistic assessment of the trade-offs embedded in each option, knowing that there are positives and negatives in each option. Next, we assemble all the options and trade-offs and look at the opportunity costs: in choosing one option, we will necessarily sacrifice the opportunity to pursue the other options.
Then we decide to commit to one option. This requires self-awareness, as we have to be realistic about our limits, insofar as we know them, our enthusiasm for this option--is it real or are we simply trying to convince ourselves this is what we want?--and our ability and willingness to see it through to completion, come what may.
Do not second-guess yourself. A realistic assessment is limited to a specific time and place, and we can only act within the limits of that moment and place. As the quarterback of our life, we cannot see the entire field, we cannot have god-like knowledge of every factor. We can only make an assessment in the moment, consider the risks and potential gains and throw the ball to the best of our ability.
In other words, we must own our decision. Be wary of feeling sorry for yourself or feeling like a victim. There is comfort in self-pity and being the victim, but these are dead-ends. They go nowhere, lead nowhere. We had options, we chose one and reaped the consequences. If we're dissatisfied with the option we chose, then choose another and commit to that.
Be wary of focusing solely on what's been lost and overlooking what's been gained. The losses hurt more than the gains sooth, this has been confirmed by studies. So it takes self-discipline and self-awareness to tote up the gains from events we chalk up as failures. Financial losses are real but so are the intangible gains in self-knowledge and experience. We accomplished worthy things even if the venture failed.
Be wary of demanding the impossible of yourself. We all want to succeed in a straight line, without errors of judgment, but this simply isn't realistic. When we enter a new arena of life without capital or mentors or connections, we are ill-equipped to suceed flawlessly in everything we set out to do. We lack the experience, the wise council of mentors and the buffers of capital. To expect perfection and optimized decision-making is completely unrealistic.
The bedrock of adulthood is being able to make a realistic assessment of options and trade-offs, and then own our decision.
If we don't know enough to make a realistic assessment, then we must research, ask, read, learn. We acknowledge our limits, fears and insecurities but we don't focus exclusively on those natural human traits. We focus on the opportunities we have to change our lives to fulfill some aspect of ourselves that has lain fallow. As Douglas MacArthur observed, "There is no security on this earth; there is only opportunity."
We cannot help wanting security and novelty, just as we cannot help wanting the approval of others and the approval of ourselves. These forces are contradictory. There is no ideal balance.
We reduce chaotic complexity to simplicity to achieve clarity. We cannot keep hundreds of bits of wisdom in our minds, so we distill them down to a short list we can repeat and incorporate in our lives: The Ten Commandments. The Eight-Fold Path.
I would offer these words and phrases as worthy of recall.
Kindness. Being kind to ourselves and others when the opportunity arises yields much for little effort.
Compassion. It's easy and satisfying to pass judgement on someone or ourselves, but compassion gives us a better path to understanding how we or another person came to the place where we now stand.
Calm. Humans are prone to strong emotions. People are more likely to understand us if we can maintain a calm voice.
Patience. We all want results but sometimes patience is required. Some things take a long time to unfold.
Self-discipline. Self-discipline is our friend who always supports and encourages us.
Detachment. We can only make a realistic assessment of ourselves if we detach our awareness from our emotions so we can observe our thoughts and observe how our thoughts, however fleeting, generate our emotions.
Gratitude. If we focus on what we have gained rather than what we have lost, it's easier to be grateful for what we have that we overlook when we focus solely on our mistakes and what we've lost.
Opportunity. Today is an opportunity to pursue what really matters to us and those we care about.
Self-awareness. Humans are not gods, we are not perfect. We make mistakes. But with self-awareness, we can avoid endlessly repeating the same mistakes and berating ourselves for being human rather than a god.
There are many other powerful words and phrases one can choose to focus on: duty, faith, fellowship, love, humility, integrity and authenticity are all profound and worthy of devotion. But the list is best kept to ten or less for the sake of simplicity. Everyone's list can be different and change over time.
Would any of this make sense to an 18-year old? Perhaps not. But some tiny bit might stick and be useful at some point down the line.
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Best Thing That Happened To Me This Week
70+ generous souls responded to my rattling of the begging bowl. I am grateful and honored by your support and encouragement.
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From Left Field
NOTE TO NEW READERS: This list is not comprised of articles I agree with or that I judge to be correct or of the highest quality. It is representative of the content I find interesting as reflections of the current zeitgeist. The list is intended to be perused with an open, critical, occasionally amused mind.
Many links are behind paywalls. Most paywalled sites allow a few free articles per month if you register. It's the New Normal.
Will flying ever be green? The race is on to develop a battery-powered aircraft. But not everyone’s convinced it will bring us closer to net-zero flight. -- this is the most comprehensive and practical overview I've seen, worth a read....
America Is Back in the Factory Business -- reshoring is real....it's national defense now....
A national bullying of the poor: the trouble with America’s bootstrapping myth
If there’s one thing Italians won’t stomach, it’s dishing the dirt on their cuisine
Bosses Want Hard Workers--So They’re Hiring Older People -- just give us a harness and we'll start pulling....
What Happened When Uber’s CEO Started Driving for Uber -- a taste of reality never hurts....
While Not In Vogue, The Dark Ages Were Pretty Dark -- yes, but the workers on Chartres Cathedral received generous portions of beer, so it wasn't all bad....
Combined Vitamin D, Omega-3 Fatty Acids, and a Simple Home Exercise Program May Reduce Cancer Risk Among Active Adults Aged 70 and Older: A Randomized Clinical Trial -- blessed sunshine...
In Search of a New Political Economy
In Istanbul, the last Uyghur bookshops struggle to survive
"A human being, unable to have a meaningful impact on the world, ceases to exist." David Graeber
Thanks for reading--
charles |
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